Only in the Southwest - Nipple Ripper Edition

Yeye cat fight!

As a disclaimer, this isn’t exactly the sexy Hollywood kind of cat fight I’m talking about. Instead of bikini-clad college co-eds going at it in a pool of peanut butter…this story is more like tube-top in a truck-stop hard core reality. Be warned…

And here it is, a headline simply too intriguing to ignore:


Woman rips off daughter-in-law’s nipple in drunken brawl

I know there is a lot of family-induced stress around the holidays, but what the fuck?

“When the victim began arguing with her 44-year-old mother-in-law, the older woman allegedly "grabbed (the victim's) right breast and began to squeeze and pull on her nipple."”

Did I mention this wasn’t really going to be the sexy-kind of catfight?

“…she felt fluid on her breast and realized there was blood on her shirt. When she untucked her tank top, her nipple fell on the floor, she told police.”

Oh look, there’s my nipple. I was wondering where that went.

Excuse me! How in the hell can you not even realize that your nipple has been ripped off? I guess “alcohol” would be the only acceptable answer there. Nothing like a Natty Light on a cold winter night…

“The victim put the nipple in a bag and, after several hours, decided she should go to the emergency room.”

I guess after several hours, she finally realized that super glue or a staple gun probably wasn’t the way to go. Good thinking. Who says excessive drinking impairs judgment?

So we’ll see how the police investigation turns out, though I can’t imagine a lot of officers are volunteering for that assignment. Hope the sketch-artist doesn’t have a sensitive stomach.

Zip that sweater up tight, the Nip Ripper may be out there tonight.

Shootin' the Bull

And here it is, your “America First” political quote of the week. Brought to you by Teapublican Senator Mitch McConnell:

“The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.”

Interesting. I wonder what the rest of that priority list looks like. Do you think “fixing the economy” was in there somewhere? Or since that would actually help Obama’s chances for reelection, I guess it probably didn’t make the cut.

On the other hand, it is refreshing to hear a politician be honest for once.

The runner-up quote of the week comes to you from President Barack Obama himself:

“I couldn’t get the kind of cooperation from Republicans that I had hoped for…”

Wow, imagine that!

Who else is pumped for progress?

Sunday Shots - NFL Housecleaning

The halfway point of the NFL season is almost here, and I still have yet to scribble about anything football. So many stories, where to begin? Ben Ruthlessberger back to business with the Steelers. Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco bring The T.Ocho Show to dozens of living rooms across the country. The Chiefs are in first, and the Cowboys are in last. And the world anxiously waits while league officials attempt to track down Brett Favre’s penis pics. I know…riveting stuff.


That’s way too much craziness for me to cover, so I’ll simply start off with a little housecleaning. Out of the recliner, and on to the soapbox! Here are a few people I’d like to send to the unemployment line:

You’re Fired!

Mike Singletary - Head Coach, San Francisco 49ers

3 strikes, he’s out. A short temper and streaks of insanity may have served Singletary well during his playing career, but hasn’t exactly helped in his short stint as a head coach. You might say his engine runs a little hot to be the leader of a professional football team. The same guy that infamously pulled down his pants to make a point during a halftime speech is struggling mightily to make his mark in a depleted NFC West. Inefficiency, inconsistency, and a special kind of crazy all make Singletary a top candidate for termination.

Norv Turner – Head Coach, San Diego Chargers

With Phillip Rivers as the starting QB on my fantasy team, I’ve got no complaints about his hot-potato passing while the Chargers play perpetual catch-up. But with a 2-5 record, all that pre-season Super Bowl talk seems quite misguided. Usually the Chargers wait until the playoffs to disappoint, but this year Christmas might be coming early. But stick with the game plan, Norv…screen passes look great on the stat sheet.

Whoever Jerry Jones decides to blame for the Cowboys’ struggles

Great talent on both sides of the ball, experienced coaches, solid depth. I’m not even sure who to blame here. All I know is that nothing seems to be working in Dallas these days, including that god-awful baker boy cap Tony Romo insists on wearing all the time.

Pete Carroll – Head Coach, USC Trojans Seattle Seahawks

Slippery Pete probably laughs himself to sleep every night thinking about the mess he left for Lane Kiffin back at USC. The Seahawks are sitting pretty so far, but the luck has to run out sometime.

Jay “Captain” Cutler, Quarterback – Chicago Bears

4 interceptions in one game, all to the same defender (DeAngelo Hall)? 26 picks last year? When fans start to miss Kyle Orton, you know it’s time to go.

Like Brett Favre’s reputation, I am done…

Only in the Southwest – Special Peg Leg Samurai Edition

Ah, the splendor of the Southwest in summertime…

Today, we have 2 more stories to add to the ‘could only happen here’ crazy bucket:

First up is a tale of a drinking game gone wrong…and my official nomination for Best Headline of the Year…

Naked man hospitalized after drinking game leads to prosthetic leg being set aflame

You would think a headline like that needs no further explanation, but trust me…the story gets even better.

“The victim told investigators that since he drank only six beers, the least amount, he agreed to let his friends set him on fire.”

Quite possibly the lamest (slight pun intended) drinking game ever. If only a couple of paddles had been readily available for a simple game of beer pong, perhaps this entire tragedy could have been avoided.

“Not being able to stand the pain, the victim disrobed. His friends then decided to take him to the hospital but became "nervous and dropped the victim off" on U.S. 70…”

His “friends”? Really? If you’re willing to drop off a naked one-legged burn victim on the side of the road instead of the hospital, I’m not sure that the title of “friend” is entirely appropriate. And for the record, highway 70 is nowhere near either area hospital. A rough night made even worse for the hop-along hitchhiker.

“When questioned by deputies if he had asked his friends to stop at any point in time while setting him on fire, he stated "no, he lost the bet" and therefore did not attempt to stop them.”

All things considered, you gotta hand it to the guy for respecting the code and honor of “the bet”. You beat me fair and square, the lighter fluid and matches are under the sink.

Hopping along to a slightly more serious matter…

Next, we have a real-life reenactment of The Last Samurai:

Sword-wielding man shot, killed by Las Cruces police officer

“Officers responded just before 8:30 a.m. to a report that an agitated, shirtless man was waving a samurai sword in a hostile manner…”

There probably aren’t too many happy-ending stories that begin with a shirtless swordsman running around at 8 o’clock in the morning. I am curious though, how did they determine that he was waving the sword around in a hostile manner? Is it even possible to wave around a samurai sword in a non-hostile manner? Maybe he was just a dedicated landscaper trying to beat the summer heat and get a head start on his tree-pruning.



“One witness said she saw the man raise the 4-foot sword at the officer, who fired three shots at the man. The officer then kicked the sword out of the man's reach.”

I suppose this was the safe play just in case the guy turned out to be a Terminator.

“…the incident will undergo a multi-agency investigation and both the officer who fired the shots - a seven-year veteran of the department - and the other responding officer will be placed on standard administrative leave pending the outcome of that investigation.”

We may need a little help bringing in a few more investigators. Because they could be busy with a few other police cases first. Like the officer that tasered an unarmed teenage girl at a basketball tourney. Or another officer that shot a 17-year old shoplifter five times…after the victim fled and attempted to drive off in a police cruiser. Or yet another officer that shot a guy in the chest, who was armed with only an 8-inch butcher knife and a baseball bat.

It’s certainly been a busy year for the Las Cruces police squad. One can only hope that all these investigations don’t interrupt their “Tasers are for Teens” training program.

Business As Usual in Philly

After what seems like a decade of speculation, the deal to get Donovan McNabb out of Philadelphia is finally done. And of course, to the one place that nobody predicted or expected.

The Eagles officially moved into the Kevin Kolb era, by trading the former face of the franchise to the Washington Redskins. The move itself was expected, but not the destination. Most NFL teams abide by the unwritten rule that prohibits sending key players to division rivals. Although it’s been clear for years that the Eagles’ front office operates under their own set of rules.

As an Eagles’ fan, it’s just one more move that leaves me shaking my head. It’s the same kind of counterproductive head-scratcher we’ve seen from Andy Reid and the front office year after year. And at least for this fan, it’s quite possibly the last straw.

Early in his career, the Eagles failed to surround McNabb with playmakers. And when they finally did bring in a weapon, it came in the form of Terrell Owens…who did his best to tear the team apart after just one year of success.

During that time, they also failed to do much for Brian Westbrook…giving him a lion’s share of the workload, often on a bad knee. In 2007, he managed 368 total touches in 15 games. Then after a season derailed by concussion issues, he was cut like a piece of construction paper in a kindergarten class. Only in the NFL can you sustain a serious injury due to working extra hard for your employer, and then get fired for it.

Unbalanced play-calling. Unbalanced personnel. Terrell Owens. Bye Brian Dawkins. Bye Brian Westbrook. Hello Michael Vick. The list goes on…and on…and on.

I know, I know…it’s just business. Fair enough. I guess that makes me just a consumer in this little relationship. No, not the kind of consumer that buys $100 game tickets and $8 beers. But I am the kind of consumer stupid enough to buy $80 jerseys which are worn only about 4 times a year, and receives useless Eagles’ crap from family and friends for Christmas.

The customer is always right. Unless, of course, that customer is an idiot Eagles’ fan. So eager to rid of a hall of fame quarterback, only to make way for an unproven player who they’ll hate tomorrow anyway.

At least for this little consumer, there is still a choice. Maybe I’ll ask friends and family to buy me something for Christmas that doesn’t have an Eagles logo on it. Maybe I’ll go buy a Raiders or Rams jersey just for the hell of it. Maybe I’ll buy enough Tony Romo bobbleheads to fund a golden shitter for Jerry Jones.

But no way, no how…will I continue to support the Philadelphia Eagles franchise in any way, shape, or form. I despise the way the organization operates. I detest a hardcore fan base that once pelted two fans with a barrage of snow balls just for wearing 49ers jerseys to an Eagles’ game. I loathe the fact that Donovan McNabb never got the respect he deserved, while someone like Michael Vick got so much more than he deserved. I hope McNabb and the Redskins knock Philly into the bottom of the NFC East cellar for good.

As an Eagles’ fan, I think I’m pretty much done. But don’t worry Andy Reid, Jeffrey Lurie, Howie Roseman, and the rest of the Eagles’ organization…it’s nothing personal. It’s just business.

Only in the Southwest - Emu Edition

Here’s one of those ‘it could only happen here’ news stories too good to pass up:

Errant Emu Attacks El Paso Deputies

The headline alone makes this 5-star material. But like most locally-covered emu attack adventures, it only gets better:

“Deputies responded at 6:45 a.m. to a report of an ostrich in the roadway in the area of I-10 and Horizon, only to find that the wayward bird was actually an emu.”

When you’re trying to get Big Bird off the highway, does it really matter if it’s an ostrich or an emu?

“Passersby stopped to help the deputies contain and calm the bird, which slashed one deputy's pant leg with its sharp limb.”

Oh noes…this bird ripped my pants!

“The deputy was not seriously injured. The emu died as it was being transported to the animal shelter. The cause of death was not immediately known.”

And that’s where the story takes a rapid turn for the worse, with no warning or explanation. I guess the lesson here is…in the battle between man and beast, bet on the guy with the gun and billy club.

“On Friday, deputies were called to the area of Montana Avenue, where another emu was loose on the roadway, according to the release…The two emu incidents do not appear to be related...”

Two interstate-emu incidents in one week? Run for your lives! And what exactly do they mean the two incidents "do not appear to be related"? Did they conduct a thorough emu conspiracy investigation? Was Farmer Fred brought in for questioning? Did the Sheep Syndicate strong-arm the law to keep their feathered friends out of trouble?

The emu that fought back died, and the one that didn’t fight lived. That’s all I’m sayin’.

30-year-old Running Backs Added to Endangered Species List

LaDainian Tomlinson and Brian Westbrook were both released by their respective teams this past week, apparently on account of the new running back expiration date implemented by NFL owners. In an industry where a contract isn’t really a contract, it’s just business as usual…which is bad news for 30 year-old running backs.

Neither move is really that surprising, as both Tomlinson and Westbrook have declined steadily in the past couple of years. And that’s the harsh reality in the life of an NFL running back. This past season, LT saw his yards per carry drop to an all-time low. While Westbrook still showed some signs of life, he spent more time on the sidelines than on the field due to a series of injuries…appearing in a career-low 8 regular season games.

This mysterious ailment, commonly known as Shaun Alexander Syndrome (SAS), continues to affect more and more running backs every year. Research indicates that most victims of SAS also suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, which makes for some god-awful studio analysis (see Emmitt Smith and Tiki Barber) and limited career choices.

Fortunately, there is something you can do to help. Donations to fight SAS are now being accepted by Bam Morris Charities. For more information, please email: grams4bam@gfail.com

Eagles to Face Pats in Biggest Loser Consolation Bracket

This decade is only days old, and a new era has already begun in the NFL. No more Steelers, no more Patriots. Of the handful of franchises that defined the last ten years of football, only the Colts remain alive in their quest for this year’s Lombardi trophy.

Wildcard weekend had its share of shitbombs, but none more disappointing than the collective effort of the Eagles and Patriots…two teams of yesteryear that certainly held higher expectations than this.

All you need to know about the Patriots performance is that the Ravens put the scoreboard smack on them despite a QB rating of 10 by their starter. That’s right, Joe Flacco only needed 34 yards of passing for his team to blast Belichick’s bunch. Somewhere tonight, Trent Dilfer sheds tears of joy.

If Elmer Fudd had been calling the game, he would have needed but 6 words – “Way Wice wuns wampant with Wavens”. Say that five times fast.

Then there are the Eagles. The Dallas Cowboys needed all of 2 offensive play calls to give the dirty birds the beatdown of their lives. All night long it was either the quick draw WR screen or the HB delay that broke down an uninspired Eagles defense. It was like watching a retro-game of Tecmo Bowl on Nintendo. The Eagles countered by using 2 play calls of their own – the incomplete deep pass, and the incomplete moderately deep pass. The two best plays for the Eagles came on a Michael Vick trick play and, I shit you not, a McNabb interception. Guess who won that game?

What this means for the Patriots is that a lot of people not named Bill Belichick are likely to be canned, or sentenced to death by firing squad.

And for the Iggles, it will be pretty much the same ole’ story. Writers, bloggers, and fans saying that McNabb has played his last game in Philly…for about the 6th or 7th year in a row.

Fortunately, all will be forgotten in a few days when the media resumes an all new season of Favre-fest…which is scheduled to run at least until mid-August.

Stupid Eagles…

And the award goes to...Mr. Michael Vick

Because when you think of courage and honor, you think of Michael Vick.

Just before Christmas, it was announced that Michael Vick would be honored as a recipient of the Ed Block Courage Award…an annual accolade given to one representative from each team in the NFL. The award is voted on by peers for the player that best exemplifies the “principles of sportsmanship and courage”. The gobbledygook about this award goes on to say that each recipient “symbolizes professionalism, great strength and dedication”…and also serves as a “community role model”.

Yeah, that sounds like Michael Vick alright.

As expected, Vick’s honor has been met with protest. There is even a petition underway to stop the foundation from giving him the award.

But if the petition doesn’t work, Vickweed’s courageous name will be immortalized alongside other former Philly recipients like Jerome “Temper Tantrum” McDougle and Duce “Show me the Money” Staley.

Of course, Philadelphia isn’t the only team to feature some odd selections for the courage award. In 1992, the Oilers handed out the hardware to Warren “smack a bitch to the” Moon. Daunte “Loveboat Captain” Culpepper was voted in by the Vikes in 2001. In 2007, the award went to Ben Ruthlessberger Roethlisberger of the Steelers…perhaps for his “community outreach” work in Tahoe. And then there’s my personal favorite, Travis “promise to pull out” Henry for the Bills in 2004.

I’m usually not one to support random public protest, but I find it hard to believe that Michael Vick is deserving of such an award. It’s unlikely that Vickweed is the best community role model on the Eagles’ roster…or even the Raiders’ roster for that matter. Not to keep bashing the guy, but there is absolutely nothing about his story that spells courage. I guess unless you count the courage it takes to use a community shower in lock-up without soap-on-a-rope.

And you thought this year’s Nobel Peace Prize was a joke…

Still sick of Vick!