Only in the Southwest - Emu Edition

Here’s one of those ‘it could only happen here’ news stories too good to pass up:

Errant Emu Attacks El Paso Deputies

The headline alone makes this 5-star material. But like most locally-covered emu attack adventures, it only gets better:

“Deputies responded at 6:45 a.m. to a report of an ostrich in the roadway in the area of I-10 and Horizon, only to find that the wayward bird was actually an emu.”

When you’re trying to get Big Bird off the highway, does it really matter if it’s an ostrich or an emu?

“Passersby stopped to help the deputies contain and calm the bird, which slashed one deputy's pant leg with its sharp limb.”

Oh noes…this bird ripped my pants!

“The deputy was not seriously injured. The emu died as it was being transported to the animal shelter. The cause of death was not immediately known.”

And that’s where the story takes a rapid turn for the worse, with no warning or explanation. I guess the lesson here is…in the battle between man and beast, bet on the guy with the gun and billy club.

“On Friday, deputies were called to the area of Montana Avenue, where another emu was loose on the roadway, according to the release…The two emu incidents do not appear to be related...”

Two interstate-emu incidents in one week? Run for your lives! And what exactly do they mean the two incidents "do not appear to be related"? Did they conduct a thorough emu conspiracy investigation? Was Farmer Fred brought in for questioning? Did the Sheep Syndicate strong-arm the law to keep their feathered friends out of trouble?

The emu that fought back died, and the one that didn’t fight lived. That’s all I’m sayin’.

30-year-old Running Backs Added to Endangered Species List

LaDainian Tomlinson and Brian Westbrook were both released by their respective teams this past week, apparently on account of the new running back expiration date implemented by NFL owners. In an industry where a contract isn’t really a contract, it’s just business as usual…which is bad news for 30 year-old running backs.

Neither move is really that surprising, as both Tomlinson and Westbrook have declined steadily in the past couple of years. And that’s the harsh reality in the life of an NFL running back. This past season, LT saw his yards per carry drop to an all-time low. While Westbrook still showed some signs of life, he spent more time on the sidelines than on the field due to a series of injuries…appearing in a career-low 8 regular season games.

This mysterious ailment, commonly known as Shaun Alexander Syndrome (SAS), continues to affect more and more running backs every year. Research indicates that most victims of SAS also suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, which makes for some god-awful studio analysis (see Emmitt Smith and Tiki Barber) and limited career choices.

Fortunately, there is something you can do to help. Donations to fight SAS are now being accepted by Bam Morris Charities. For more information, please email: grams4bam@gfail.com

Eagles to Face Pats in Biggest Loser Consolation Bracket

This decade is only days old, and a new era has already begun in the NFL. No more Steelers, no more Patriots. Of the handful of franchises that defined the last ten years of football, only the Colts remain alive in their quest for this year’s Lombardi trophy.

Wildcard weekend had its share of shitbombs, but none more disappointing than the collective effort of the Eagles and Patriots…two teams of yesteryear that certainly held higher expectations than this.

All you need to know about the Patriots performance is that the Ravens put the scoreboard smack on them despite a QB rating of 10 by their starter. That’s right, Joe Flacco only needed 34 yards of passing for his team to blast Belichick’s bunch. Somewhere tonight, Trent Dilfer sheds tears of joy.

If Elmer Fudd had been calling the game, he would have needed but 6 words – “Way Wice wuns wampant with Wavens”. Say that five times fast.

Then there are the Eagles. The Dallas Cowboys needed all of 2 offensive play calls to give the dirty birds the beatdown of their lives. All night long it was either the quick draw WR screen or the HB delay that broke down an uninspired Eagles defense. It was like watching a retro-game of Tecmo Bowl on Nintendo. The Eagles countered by using 2 play calls of their own – the incomplete deep pass, and the incomplete moderately deep pass. The two best plays for the Eagles came on a Michael Vick trick play and, I shit you not, a McNabb interception. Guess who won that game?

What this means for the Patriots is that a lot of people not named Bill Belichick are likely to be canned, or sentenced to death by firing squad.

And for the Iggles, it will be pretty much the same ole’ story. Writers, bloggers, and fans saying that McNabb has played his last game in Philly…for about the 6th or 7th year in a row.

Fortunately, all will be forgotten in a few days when the media resumes an all new season of Favre-fest…which is scheduled to run at least until mid-August.

Stupid Eagles…

And the award goes to...Mr. Michael Vick

Because when you think of courage and honor, you think of Michael Vick.

Just before Christmas, it was announced that Michael Vick would be honored as a recipient of the Ed Block Courage Award…an annual accolade given to one representative from each team in the NFL. The award is voted on by peers for the player that best exemplifies the “principles of sportsmanship and courage”. The gobbledygook about this award goes on to say that each recipient “symbolizes professionalism, great strength and dedication”…and also serves as a “community role model”.

Yeah, that sounds like Michael Vick alright.

As expected, Vick’s honor has been met with protest. There is even a petition underway to stop the foundation from giving him the award.

But if the petition doesn’t work, Vickweed’s courageous name will be immortalized alongside other former Philly recipients like Jerome “Temper Tantrum” McDougle and Duce “Show me the Money” Staley.

Of course, Philadelphia isn’t the only team to feature some odd selections for the courage award. In 1992, the Oilers handed out the hardware to Warren “smack a bitch to the” Moon. Daunte “Loveboat Captain” Culpepper was voted in by the Vikes in 2001. In 2007, the award went to Ben Ruthlessberger Roethlisberger of the Steelers…perhaps for his “community outreach” work in Tahoe. And then there’s my personal favorite, Travis “promise to pull out” Henry for the Bills in 2004.

I’m usually not one to support random public protest, but I find it hard to believe that Michael Vick is deserving of such an award. It’s unlikely that Vickweed is the best community role model on the Eagles’ roster…or even the Raiders’ roster for that matter. Not to keep bashing the guy, but there is absolutely nothing about his story that spells courage. I guess unless you count the courage it takes to use a community shower in lock-up without soap-on-a-rope.

And you thought this year’s Nobel Peace Prize was a joke…

Still sick of Vick!