Only in the Southwest - Nipple Ripper Edition

Yeye cat fight!

As a disclaimer, this isn’t exactly the sexy Hollywood kind of cat fight I’m talking about. Instead of bikini-clad college co-eds going at it in a pool of peanut butter…this story is more like tube-top in a truck-stop hard core reality. Be warned…

And here it is, a headline simply too intriguing to ignore:


Woman rips off daughter-in-law’s nipple in drunken brawl

I know there is a lot of family-induced stress around the holidays, but what the fuck?

“When the victim began arguing with her 44-year-old mother-in-law, the older woman allegedly "grabbed (the victim's) right breast and began to squeeze and pull on her nipple."”

Did I mention this wasn’t really going to be the sexy-kind of catfight?

“…she felt fluid on her breast and realized there was blood on her shirt. When she untucked her tank top, her nipple fell on the floor, she told police.”

Oh look, there’s my nipple. I was wondering where that went.

Excuse me! How in the hell can you not even realize that your nipple has been ripped off? I guess “alcohol” would be the only acceptable answer there. Nothing like a Natty Light on a cold winter night…

“The victim put the nipple in a bag and, after several hours, decided she should go to the emergency room.”

I guess after several hours, she finally realized that super glue or a staple gun probably wasn’t the way to go. Good thinking. Who says excessive drinking impairs judgment?

So we’ll see how the police investigation turns out, though I can’t imagine a lot of officers are volunteering for that assignment. Hope the sketch-artist doesn’t have a sensitive stomach.

Zip that sweater up tight, the Nip Ripper may be out there tonight.

Shootin' the Bull

And here it is, your “America First” political quote of the week. Brought to you by Teapublican Senator Mitch McConnell:

“The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.”

Interesting. I wonder what the rest of that priority list looks like. Do you think “fixing the economy” was in there somewhere? Or since that would actually help Obama’s chances for reelection, I guess it probably didn’t make the cut.

On the other hand, it is refreshing to hear a politician be honest for once.

The runner-up quote of the week comes to you from President Barack Obama himself:

“I couldn’t get the kind of cooperation from Republicans that I had hoped for…”

Wow, imagine that!

Who else is pumped for progress?

Sunday Shots - NFL Housecleaning

The halfway point of the NFL season is almost here, and I still have yet to scribble about anything football. So many stories, where to begin? Ben Ruthlessberger back to business with the Steelers. Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco bring The T.Ocho Show to dozens of living rooms across the country. The Chiefs are in first, and the Cowboys are in last. And the world anxiously waits while league officials attempt to track down Brett Favre’s penis pics. I know…riveting stuff.


That’s way too much craziness for me to cover, so I’ll simply start off with a little housecleaning. Out of the recliner, and on to the soapbox! Here are a few people I’d like to send to the unemployment line:

You’re Fired!

Mike Singletary - Head Coach, San Francisco 49ers

3 strikes, he’s out. A short temper and streaks of insanity may have served Singletary well during his playing career, but hasn’t exactly helped in his short stint as a head coach. You might say his engine runs a little hot to be the leader of a professional football team. The same guy that infamously pulled down his pants to make a point during a halftime speech is struggling mightily to make his mark in a depleted NFC West. Inefficiency, inconsistency, and a special kind of crazy all make Singletary a top candidate for termination.

Norv Turner – Head Coach, San Diego Chargers

With Phillip Rivers as the starting QB on my fantasy team, I’ve got no complaints about his hot-potato passing while the Chargers play perpetual catch-up. But with a 2-5 record, all that pre-season Super Bowl talk seems quite misguided. Usually the Chargers wait until the playoffs to disappoint, but this year Christmas might be coming early. But stick with the game plan, Norv…screen passes look great on the stat sheet.

Whoever Jerry Jones decides to blame for the Cowboys’ struggles

Great talent on both sides of the ball, experienced coaches, solid depth. I’m not even sure who to blame here. All I know is that nothing seems to be working in Dallas these days, including that god-awful baker boy cap Tony Romo insists on wearing all the time.

Pete Carroll – Head Coach, USC Trojans Seattle Seahawks

Slippery Pete probably laughs himself to sleep every night thinking about the mess he left for Lane Kiffin back at USC. The Seahawks are sitting pretty so far, but the luck has to run out sometime.

Jay “Captain” Cutler, Quarterback – Chicago Bears

4 interceptions in one game, all to the same defender (DeAngelo Hall)? 26 picks last year? When fans start to miss Kyle Orton, you know it’s time to go.

Like Brett Favre’s reputation, I am done…

Only in the Southwest – Special Peg Leg Samurai Edition

Ah, the splendor of the Southwest in summertime…

Today, we have 2 more stories to add to the ‘could only happen here’ crazy bucket:

First up is a tale of a drinking game gone wrong…and my official nomination for Best Headline of the Year…

Naked man hospitalized after drinking game leads to prosthetic leg being set aflame

You would think a headline like that needs no further explanation, but trust me…the story gets even better.

“The victim told investigators that since he drank only six beers, the least amount, he agreed to let his friends set him on fire.”

Quite possibly the lamest (slight pun intended) drinking game ever. If only a couple of paddles had been readily available for a simple game of beer pong, perhaps this entire tragedy could have been avoided.

“Not being able to stand the pain, the victim disrobed. His friends then decided to take him to the hospital but became "nervous and dropped the victim off" on U.S. 70…”

His “friends”? Really? If you’re willing to drop off a naked one-legged burn victim on the side of the road instead of the hospital, I’m not sure that the title of “friend” is entirely appropriate. And for the record, highway 70 is nowhere near either area hospital. A rough night made even worse for the hop-along hitchhiker.

“When questioned by deputies if he had asked his friends to stop at any point in time while setting him on fire, he stated "no, he lost the bet" and therefore did not attempt to stop them.”

All things considered, you gotta hand it to the guy for respecting the code and honor of “the bet”. You beat me fair and square, the lighter fluid and matches are under the sink.

Hopping along to a slightly more serious matter…

Next, we have a real-life reenactment of The Last Samurai:

Sword-wielding man shot, killed by Las Cruces police officer

“Officers responded just before 8:30 a.m. to a report that an agitated, shirtless man was waving a samurai sword in a hostile manner…”

There probably aren’t too many happy-ending stories that begin with a shirtless swordsman running around at 8 o’clock in the morning. I am curious though, how did they determine that he was waving the sword around in a hostile manner? Is it even possible to wave around a samurai sword in a non-hostile manner? Maybe he was just a dedicated landscaper trying to beat the summer heat and get a head start on his tree-pruning.



“One witness said she saw the man raise the 4-foot sword at the officer, who fired three shots at the man. The officer then kicked the sword out of the man's reach.”

I suppose this was the safe play just in case the guy turned out to be a Terminator.

“…the incident will undergo a multi-agency investigation and both the officer who fired the shots - a seven-year veteran of the department - and the other responding officer will be placed on standard administrative leave pending the outcome of that investigation.”

We may need a little help bringing in a few more investigators. Because they could be busy with a few other police cases first. Like the officer that tasered an unarmed teenage girl at a basketball tourney. Or another officer that shot a 17-year old shoplifter five times…after the victim fled and attempted to drive off in a police cruiser. Or yet another officer that shot a guy in the chest, who was armed with only an 8-inch butcher knife and a baseball bat.

It’s certainly been a busy year for the Las Cruces police squad. One can only hope that all these investigations don’t interrupt their “Tasers are for Teens” training program.