Not So Scary Stuff

What better way to shake the blogging blues than a ranting review of yet another crappy movie.  Now that I have officially ended my troubled relationship with Netflix, this weekend I ventured to the realm of unnecessary sequels to watch Paranormal Activity 3.

Reviews claimed that this was the best of the Paranormal Activity series, which is backed by some impressive box office numbers over the weekend.  Or it could be due to the fact that there is absolute shit else out there to watch, and Paranormal 3 wins the box office battle by default.

Best of the series?  Methinks not.  Same worked-over formula, same unrealistic premise, but this time even shittier acting. 

I could rant all day on this one, but I’ll keep my complaints to a few focused points.  I suppose a spoiler alert is in order, although if you haven’t watched it yet…I wouldn’t bother:

-          Some scenes from the previews didn’t even appear in the movie.  Among the most notable were the two girls saying “Bloody Mary” in front of the bathroom mirror.  There were a couple of other scenes missing as well, not too sure why.  The term false advertising comes to mind.

-        Did I mention the shitty acting?  Case in point, one of the early scenes featured the mother agreeing to make a sex tape after blazing up some weed.  I called bullshit on that one, no way they let that go far enough for her to get naked.  But in starting this scene, they approach each other on the bed while both were still standing on their knees.  Not only were they clearly uncomfortable with each other, but it looked they weren’t even comfortable with the surroundings of what was supposed to be their bedroom.  I’ve seen better chemistry between Alien vs. Predator.

-        Since this was a prequel set in 1988, the main character used VHS as his means of filming the house.  In the movie, he explains that the tapes have to be changed out every six hours…but somehow the video was still able to record throughout the entire night.  He also mentioned that since he used 2 cameras, every day he was responsible for looking through 12 hours of video tape.  Silly me, expecting a little realism in a documentary-style film.

-        Apparently, ghosts can be both short and tall at the same time.  The house was haunted by a ghost named Toby, described as a tall older man…that oddly enough lived in the upstairs crawl space.  Later in the film, the ghost is seen walking around wearing a sheet…but is only about 3 feet tall.  Midgets might have been frightening in Willy Wonka, but not so much here.

-        Seriously, who worries about carrying a camera when they fear for their life?  I understand that it wouldn’t be much of a movie with the camera pointed at the wall…but still.

I’ll do you a favor and save you a few bucks on a movie ticket.  Never play bloody Mary, kids that talk to imaginary friends are creepy, and nobody should ever live in a two-story house under any circumstances.  And if grandma worships the devil and hosts cult meetings at her place, you may not want to take the kids for a sleepover.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you…  

Click Sick

Earlier this year, I read an article that made me realize I had developed a serious case of click-sickness.  I would reactively click on headlines and irrelevant topics that served no purpose.  Somehow, I had become addicted to blogs and articles that focused on canned controversy and extremism…rather than material relevant to our society.  Anger-inducing political rhetoric, celebrity train wrecks…media madness is always just one click away.

The article I read was focused on the media’s unhealthy obsession with Sarah Palin.  Whether you like her or not, it’s difficult to dispute that the never-ending coverage of all things Palin is quite undeserved.  As the author suggested, I took the Palin pledge.  For the entire month of February, I vowed not to click, post, or comment on anything about Sarah Palin.

As it turns out, it was much easier than I thought.  I made it through the month without all the nonsense, and my brain was better for it.

And just when the Palin-craze seemed to be calming down, along came Donald Trump.  Here we go again…

I resisted the urge to blog about Trump, even though the relentless coverage of his fake campaign was infuriating.  For goodness sake, the guy tried to use his own Comedy Central roast as a launching board for his so-called campaign!  Not only did he make a mockery of political discussion, but he insulted the very sanctity of the celebrity roast.  Disgraceful…

Shame on the media, and shame on those of us who buy into it.  With that, here is a list of a few irrelevant people that I simply don’t need to hear about anymore.  Call it my own personal cure for click-sickness:

Sarah Palin – 15 minutes of fame that has lasted over 2 years…and still counting.

Donald Trump – How can someone who has his name on a line of mattresses ever be president?

Lindsay Lohan – Having a recurring role on Court TV doesn’t make you an actress.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – Spent the last decade researching a role for an upcoming disaster movie titled “My Life”.

David Arquette & Courtney Cox – Not even the pain of a troubled marriage can compare to the agony of watching Scream 4.  Screw both of you...

Kim Kardashian – Future recipient of the Paris Hilton Lifetime Underachievement Award.

Tiger Woods – Way too much going on in the world of golf to focus on a guy who hasn’t won since 2009.

But because I’ve gotta keep a little crazy, I reserve the right to click on the following:  celebrity mug shots, NFL police blotter, Michelle Bachmann, and Charlie Sheen.

p.s.  - I am aware that blogging about the very topics I'm criticizing it is quite contradictory.  But this way, I can get all of it over with in one post...and move on to more important things.  Like reviewing crappy movies and making fun of stupid criminals.

What the Flix?

I’ve been in a committed relationship with Netflix for the better part of a year.  At first, it was all so new and wonderful…but now the honeymoon is over.  I’m more than willing to take the good with the bad, but it’s clear there are some issues to be worked out.

“It’s been almost a year, and sometimes I feel like you don’t even know me.”

Case in point…I tell my precious Netflix how much I enjoyed watching cult classics such as Anchorman, Rounders, and The Big Lebowski.  And then she suggests we watch some shitty stand-up act.  What gives?

To be fair, I know very little of Bill Burr.  But I know enough to realize he shouldn’t be in the same sentence as The Big Lebowski.  Not to mention, he looks like a douchebag version of Ron Howard.

“Because I enjoyed Rounders”?  Are you kidding me?  I have no clue what I did wrong with my ratings, but most of my Netflix recommendations are filled with second-rate stand-up specials and spoof comedies.  It should be enough that Larry the Cable Guy has taken over the History Channel, but now I have to deal with this shit, too.

“But all my family and friends live here, I don’t want to move anywhere else.”

Apparently, all your friends and family are morons.  Look at these local favorites for Las Cruces.  Not one, but two Jesse Stone movies?  This is wrong on so many levels.

First of all, what the hell is Tom Selleck doing?  He goes from Magnum P.I. to a poor man’s Walker, Texas Ranger.  Shameful…

But more importantly, this is the best that the Las Cruces community can find to watch?  Keep in mind, this isn’t some pass the time instant watch movie series…this is the serious DVD through the mail stuff.  It’s frightening to think I live in an area where multiple households are anxiously awaiting the next installment of the Jesse Stone saga to arrive.

As if that’s not bad enough, the local list on instant watch has the very unfunny Carlos Mencia, a heavy dose of crappy reality shows, and Ralph Macchio.  And you thought your neighbors were annoying…

What's Wrong With This Picture?

The picture below was sent to me via email forward, which is obviously the most trusted place to find intelligent, fact-filled political sentiment. Duh!

But this forward is a little different, and caught my attention. From what I can tell, it is a photo of a real billboard taken in an area not far from where I grew up. Coincidentally, right smack dab in the middle of where the movie Swing Vote was set. I’m not sure if the billboard is still up today, but I’m guessing the picture was taken sometime last year before the November mid-term elections.

Before I get started, let me just say that the criticism of Obama isn’t at all what bothers me…because there is an intelligent discussion to be had there. My point is that as long as people continue to base their political opinions on mindless rhetoric instead of fact…an intelligent public discussion will never be possible. And that’s what bothers me about a message like this.

I found the billboard fascinating because it is hysterically wrong on so many levels. So tell me, what’s wrong with this picture?

(Image description: Billboard featuring the famous Obama campaign poster, modified with the word “NOPE” underneath. The billboard reads – So now we know…”change” = more debt, more taxes, more welfare, more regulation, more government, more wasteful spending, more corruption.)

Let’s start with the obvious. It’s an anti-government/anti-Democratic message straight from the heart of rural America. A small town economy that relies on government subsidies for farms, dairies, and the railroad. A community that a few years ago fought against the closure of its local Air Force Base, which now serves as a Special Operations Wing. Public schools, and a community college supported by local, state, and federal funds. This area doesn’t just need government, it absolutely depends on it. Somehow, I don’t think the overarching conservative call for smaller government fits here.

“Change = More Taxes” – Excuse me, but didn’t Obama just extend the bullshit Bush era tax cuts as part of a Republican reach-around compromise? This is political fact-fucking at its finest.

“More Debt” – It’s hypocritical to claim anger over the rising national debt, but at the same time support tax cuts for everyone. Even using redneck ‘rithmetic, less tax revenue does not equal less debt.

“More Welfare” – Just more narrow-minded rhetoric based on the notion that all welfare programs serve only lazy unemployed system-suckers that don’t deserve to live. If you want to attack welfare, at least give each program its due discussion. It’s tragically ironic that while the wealth gap in America is at an all-time high, some people still think of welfare as a 4-letter word. When Bush extended unemployment benefits (aka – welfare), it was the right thing to do. When Obama did it, it was socialism. Go figure…

“More Regulation” – What specific area of regulation is being opposed here? Regulation of Wall Street? The oil industry and off-shore drilling? The FAA? Gun laws? Cousin-kissing? Sleep with sheep statutes?

Also, the background of the billboard couldn’t be more symbolically perfect. First, you have a bunch of boxcars…representative of how important the government-subsidized railway is to the local community and economy. Then you have a semi-truck & trailer, representing the trucking industry. An industry which, of course, relies on public roads, but is also particularly vital to this community due to the shipping needs of area farms and dairies. In the distance, you have the wide open spaces of the Great Plains…full of farms and ranches that likely wouldn’t be sustainable without government subsidies, tax incentives, etc.

What you can’t see even further in the distance of those Great Plains is a plethora of wind turbines, which not only are supported by government subsidy…but have been lucrative for local land owners and have brought additional jobs to the area. Oh yeah, and they also create a little bit of that renewable energy thing that hippy tree-huggers are always whining about.

Anti-government, my ass!

Forward Thinking

I wish I could say that a misguided message like this is uncommon, but I’ve heard something similar far too often from voices in the community, media, and throughout the country. I know way too many people that vote on slogans, speeches, and rhetoric…while overlooking their own causes and interests. There is most definitely something wrong with this picture.

Sometimes the political battle in this country isn’t Democrats versus Republicans…it’s fact versus fiction.

NBA Trade Alert - More Change in Utah

More news for the dozens of people that might still give a rat’s ass about the NBA. Deron Williams, franchise point guard of the Utah Jazz, has been traded to the New Jersey Nets. That’s right, the one decent player they had left has been dealt…just weeks after the Jazz said goodbye to longtime head coach Jerry Sloan.

Me, oh my! I’ve been a fan of the consistent mediocrity that is Utah Jazz basketball for so long! What shall I do now?

The trade itself is fairly shocking, although it probably shouldn’t be. It was becoming increasingly evident that Deron Williams no longer wanted to stay in Utah over the long-term. And usually when a superstar starts to tip in that direction, the situation can only get worse.

So there goes my favorite player…from my favorite team…in what used to be my favorite sport. Que sera, sera.

But since I like to play armchair G.M. anyway, I might as well give my two cents on this deal (assuming the early reports are correct).


Here’s what New Jersey gets:

- Deron Williams (PG), easily one of the best point guards in the league. At age 26, still in his prime years…and under contract through next season with a player option for 2012-13.


Utah gets:

- Derrick Favors (PF), 3rd overall pick in last year’s draft. Mixed results in limited action so far this season, but incredible potential and highly-valued prospect.


- Devin Harris (PG), an underrated, savvy point guard with solid skill set. Soon-to-be 28, should still have a few years left as a legitimate NBA starter. Contract goes through the next two seasons, at a considerably lower price tag than Deron would have.


- 2 First Round Draft Picks? Seriously? Reports say that one of the picks will be New Jersey's first rounder for this year’s draft, and the other is Golden State's for next year.


- And $3 million on top of that?

If you consider that Deron Williams was probably not going to stay in Utah, then I can’t blame the Jazz for pulling the trigger here. They get two starting players for the price of one, with 2 first-round picks and cash to boot. For a fringe-playoff team with no clear direction, it doesn’t get much better than this.

I recently wondered if they would try to trade Deron, especially with the fan backlash he received over Sloan’s resignation. I didn’t expect it to happen this soon, but at least it didn’t drag out like the Carmelo Anthony situation.

All in all, this is a great value deal out of a situation that wasn’t likely to get any better. The pieces are now in place to maintain mediocrity for years to come. Crisis averted. Go Jazz!

I Love the Way You Loathe Me

Did you know that Valentine’s Day was originally intended to recognize Christian martyrs, and had absolutely nothing to do with romantic love?

But who am I to question “tradition”? After all, we really should have a day every year to celebrate love, romance, and relationships. Oh wait, we already have day like that…it’s called an ANNIVERSARY!

Whether the V-Day tradition makes sense or not, let’s face it…there’s no stopping it now. If you’re married or in a relationship, if you show up without at least a box of chocolates…you might as well start checking Priceline for doghouse reservations.

It’s not that I’m bitter, or even that I have anything against tradition. It’s just that I prefer traditions with some sort of logical meaning. And there’s nothing wrong with romance either. But tell me what’s more romantic…a spontaneous act of kindness for the one you love, or a dozen over-priced roses purchased out of obligation?

So with the unstoppable force of V-Day already in full effect, I consider it my duty to balance things out a little…and rant about a few things I loathe.

Super Bowl Scuffle

I think it’s safe to say that football is the new American pastime. Super Bowl television ratings were at an all-time high, while World Series ratings reached an all-time low in 2010. Keeping with the theme of tradition, no other event in the United States can compete with Super Bowl Sunday.

But as a football fan, the hype surrounding the Super Bowl is just too much. The commercials alone have become a distracting spectacle. A couple of years ago, Jennifer Hudson was praised for her performance of the national anthem…which we later found out was just lip-synching. Then this year, Christina Aguilera performs it live, but creates an absolute frenzy by botching the words. Even celebrities crashed the Super Bowl scene, appearing on pre-game shows to pimp their shitty movies. They even had a red carpet for fuck’s sake.

Unfortunately, all that hype fits all too well with another American tradition – taking something good, and blowing it out of proportion.

Discourse Crash-Course

Speaking of Super Bowl absurdity, what was going on with that Bill O’Reilly interview of President Obama right before the game? Now even football has to be politicized? Heaven help us.

It was bad enough that they aired the interview in the midst of Super Bowl coverage. After all, politics and football go together about as well as peanut butter and pickled herring. But the interview itself was a complete disgrace. It consisted of Bill O’Reilly interrupting every Obama response, doing his best to lure him into a heated argument. As usual, Obama remained calm and kept his cool…but O’Reilly’s egotistical arrogance was on full display.

If that is Fox’s version of “fair and balanced”, I’d hate to see what they think of as dishonest and biased. Stay classy, Faux News.

Weather, Man!

It’s a tad ironic that all it takes to heat up the debate on global warming is a record-breaking round of winter weather. After this last batch of winter storms that affected the entire country, I’ve heard some of the same old skeptical comments about global warming. Many of which came from otherwise intelligent friends and family. You know, stuff like – “Al Gore needs to come help me shovel the global warming off of my sidewalk.”

Never mind the obvious holes in that logic. Like the fact that climate change occurs in a cycle, and extreme weather changes of any kind do more to substantiate global warming theory than to disprove it. And that global warming (aka – climate change) doesn’t literally mean the temperature is supposed to be warmer each and every day. Even though that faulty reasoning is enough to make your head spin…that still isn’t what bothers me the most. What I want to know is - what are skeptics really fighting for?

Even if you believe that climate change is a hoax, shouldn’t you still be concerned about pollution of our planet…and destruction of our non-renewable natural resources? Does one really have to believe the world is going to end…before realizing that we are doing something decidedly unnatural to our planet? The first time I went to Los Angeles, I was mortified that I could barely see the sun through the smog. And that was over 15 years ago. I heard people argue that last year’s BP oil spill could be contained naturally, because “the ocean would take care of it”. I challenge any of those skeptics to go take a nice, refreshing swim in the Hudson River…and then tell me how clean and natural our planet still is.

Are skeptics really opposed to clean energy? Are they afraid that if we build too many wind turbines, that we’ll eventually run out of wind? Or that solar panels would literally soak up the sun? I don’t quite get it.

Just Desserts

But back to Valentine’s Day. Just to prove I’m not completely cynical, let me offer a last minute gift suggestion. Especially for those women that may be feeling bad about making their man sit through another god-awful Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy.

Here we have the sweet and sexy edible candy g-string and bra.

This really is the perfect gift. Why make your man eat boring old hard candy out of a dinky cardboard box, when he can eat it out of your box instead? Nothing says love like a helping of sweet tarts served out of a sweaty ass crack. Make your man feel special tonight.

Happy V-Day!

Sloan Tired of All That Jazz

If not for the unheard consistency of the Utah Jazz franchise, I likely would have lost interest in the NBA a long time ago. I became a fan of the team way back in the late 1980’s, and haven’t given up on them since.

But today, that era of Utah basketball has officially ended with the unexpected resignation of long-time head coach Jerry Sloan.

It may not be quite the exit that he envisioned, but it’s a well-earned retirement nonetheless. Not only did he serve as the head coach in Utah for 23 seasons, but he made his mark as an NBA player for the Chicago Bulls in the 60’s & 70’s. He walks away from the game leaving a legacy that won’t soon be forgotten.

As the league and the game changed, Sloan never did. His fierce competitive nature and work ethic made everyone around him that much better. Though his teams never achieved the ultimate goal of a championship, Sloan always got the most out his players. His signature philosophy of hard-nosed defense and fundamental basketball kept his teams competitive year after year, even when short on talent.

As a fan, I would just like to say thanks to coach Sloan for all the years of hard work and dedication. You will be missed.

One can only hope that newly appointed head coach Tyrone Corbin can establish the same kind of consistency that Sloan did for all those years. But it won’t be easy.

Though most of the team’s issues have been kept behind closed doors, it’s clear that something isn’t quite right in Utah. The front office has done a solid job of replacing departed talent, but this year’s team has yet to put it all together. Add to that the speculation over Deron Williams’ future with the team, and you have quite a mess.

Even though it probably wasn’t just one thing that led to Sloan’s retirement, the timing of his resignation indicates that the team isn’t headed in a positive direction. The talent level is about the same as it has been over the past few years, but the chemistry isn’t there.

So there is probably much more to the story of Sloan’s retirement, but none of it really matters at this point. It’s a new era for Utah Jazz basketball, and we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

On another note, ESPN still sucks! I have stopped tuning in to SportsCenter completely, but flipped over to ESPiN today to see the story on Sloan. They had a brief and uninformative interview with former Jazz center Mark Eaton, and then went into a lengthy segment about how wonderful the Miami Heat are supposed to be. As if we were still unaware of LeBron taking his talents to South Beach. They even had dramatic background music and everything.

Thank you ESPiN, for doing your best to destroy sports journalism. Keep rolling those Blake Griffin and Stephen Curry highlights…and I’ll keep waiting for a Golden State/LA Clippers conference finals showdown. Stupid pricks.

Random Movie Review - Cowboys & Idiots

“Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.” – John Lennon


I suppose that quote makes me feel better about wasting time watching movies. Because I can enjoy watching a decent well-made movie, and I can also enjoy mocking a really bad one. It’s a win-win.

Technology has certainly allowed me to be much more efficient with my time-wasting. With DVR, Netflix, and internet streaming…now I’m no longer programmed to watch Independence Day or Dumb & Dumber every time those damn things show up on TV. After all, there are a lot of crappy flicks out there…and so little time.

OK, they aren’t all bad. As long as a movie is well-made and at least moderately entertaining, I could care less what genre it is. Brainless humor, epic drama...whatever. Just make it good, and leave Sandra Bullock out of it if at all possible.

No real rhyme or reason to the 3 movies I’ve picked here, other than I happened to watch them recently. Here we go:



Grown Ups (Adam Sandler & the once-funny comedy crew)

Is it just me, or is Adam Sandler getting less and less funny over time? Seriously, what is the last decent flick he’s been in?

Needless to say, I wasn’t very impressed with this one…even by brainless humor standards. 4 guys lounging in the lawn ogling over a 20-something chick pretending to work on her car engine. First off, hot chicks don’t work on their own cars…that’s a rule. Second, no married man is allowed to check out a chick for that long while his wife is within an 8 mile radius. Another rule of reality busted by this ridiculous movie.

But the good news is that everybody learned valuable life-changing lessons over the course of one long weekend. Throw in some Bob Saget, and it would have been an episode of Full House. I’ll be generous and give this one the ole’ 2 out of 5 stars Netflix rating. Try again, Sandler.



Iron Man 2 (Rehab Downey, Jr.)

SPOILER ALERT – It sucked.

And I say this having been fairly impressed with the first Iron Man movie. Not that comic book flicks are ever very realistic, but I still found myself rolling my eyes through most of this sequel. Much of the story centers around Tony Stark’s depleting health, and the outlook is bleak. Then all of a sudden he magically figures out how to create a new chemical element. Whew, that was a close one!  Good thing the periodic table has that built in cut-and-paste feature.

Maybe they should have started the movie off with Scarlett Johansson in a cat-suit…though I’m not even sure that could have saved this piece of crap. I’ll give this one a generous 2 stars as well.

And what’s with Don Cheadle taking all the black acting jobs? Better watch your back, Will Smith.



True Grit (Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon’s mustache)

I had to get out of the recliner to go watch this one. But I figured it would be worth the effort, since there aren’t too many mainstream westerns made these days.

The Coen Brothers are very hit-and-miss with their projects, and a remake of a John Wayne western was certainly an interesting choice for them. Though I think they actually insisted it wasn’t a "remake", but a re-telling. Bullshit, if it's been done before...it is a remake.

I want to say they did some solid work in areas of this version, but ultimately missed the mark a bit. The acting was good, with the exception of some over-the-top accents and strange dialogue. I’m not sure if they were trying to stay true to the original movie or novel, but in places the screenplay sounded more like Shakespeare. For example...Josh Brolin, the villain Tom Chaney, sits down and says something like “I must sit here and think on my position.” What the hell?

But overall, it wasn’t too shabby. There were some funny moments, and the storyline was intriguing enough to keep your attention. And believe it or not, they actually used a 14-year old actress to play a 14-year old character. How rare is that?

Since I can’t give it 3.5 stars, I’ll just say it’s closer to 3 than 4.

About a week before watching this, I caught a bit of the original True Grit on TV. It made me laugh out loud, but only because of the shoddy acting. Then I found out that John Wayne won his only Oscar for his role in that movie. Are you kidding me?

That’s enough for now, off to waste more time.

Time for a Change

Most things that I bother to post here are merely for my own amusement, or in some cases, just for the purposes of expressing some random thought on my mind. And while I don’t blog very often, I still consider this site a safe space to use for those very reasons. Whenever the urge to write strikes, the blog is here.

Keeping that in mind, this particular post may seem a bit silly, random, and out of place…but here it is anyway.

Ever since my introduction to the blogosphere, I’ve been known as Shooter-B. Why I picked that particular moniker is beyond me. At the time, I was just getting into online poker…and was mainly looking for a name that fit. To set the right attitude, I imagined a gambler in the old west…and somehow Shooter-B was born. Even then I realized I could have easily thought of something better. Bully the Kid. Riot Earp. General Cusser. Dusty Rhodes. But instead, I chose Shooter.

The name didn’t really make a whole lot of sense in the blogosphere, but I kept in anyway. From there, it only made sense that I refer to my blog as “Straight Shooting”. Unoriginal as the title may be.

So I kept blogging, never giving the name or title a second thought. Or at least not until last week, when I saw this:

There it was, a picture of a Rush Limbaugh billboard from Tucson…featuring the words “Straight Shooter” and a bunch of bullet holes. Yikes! I cringe at the thought of being associated with Rush Limbaugh in any way, shape, or form.

And not only that, but it made me realize that for years…I have casually used a reference to gun violence in my blog title and name. Though I’ve never purposely used any violent rhetoric, it made me stop and think about how such references are completely engrained into our culture. It may sound silly, but it really caught me off guard.

Ever since the terrible shooting tragedy in Tucson, I’ve been trying to think of a way to express my thoughts…but was unable to make any sense of them. Sure, there was the usual distracting noise of the shameless media blame game. But there were others that delivered a simple message that hit home. We all need to be more responsible for our behavior, and also our words.

There were several politicians and pundits that became very defensive about that message (see Sarah Palin). But the message wasn’t about playing the blame game, it was about taking the opportunity for much-needed self-reflection…which inevitably reveals that we can all be better. We are better than this!

There is a vast majority of reasonable people in this country who understand that the tragedy in Tucson can’t merely be blamed on political rhetoric. And like me, these people also understand the political climate in this nation is a complete mess than needs to be improved. For years, mainstream media has capitalized on selling extremes in the interest of ratings or profit.

Even before this incident, I’ve often wondered why our nation so easily gravitates towards extremism. All the dehumanizing, fear-mongering, fact-twisting hate speech we hear every day leaves us more and more polarized. It isn’t necessary, and it impedes the progress of our society.

I don’t have any illusions that a new blog title will make much of a difference, but nevertheless…I’ve decided that it is time for a change. For my own reasons, it is just my way of saying that I hope we can all engage in a little self-reflection…in the interest of improving the world we live in.

Besides, my momma didn’t name me Shooter anyway. And I imagine that the 3 readers I have can adjust to the change. Call me what you will, just don’t call me late for dinner.

p.s. - Though I’ll try not to make a habit of it, I may end up changing the blog name again if I ever think of anything better or get bored with this one. Serious & sarcastic suggestions are always welcome.

Wildcard Weekend - Quick Picks

Last season, I did a test-run against Vegas odds on NFL picks. Luckily, I decided to do so without wagering real money...as the results were not pretty. I finished well under the 50% break-even barrier, despite putting a fair amount of research and analysis into the cause.

So this year I took the opposite approach, basically going to the quick-click-pick technique. Again I decided not to put down any real money. Only this time, I finished 13 games over the break-even point (about 53%). Not exactly cash city, but at least I can say that I would have beat Vegas. Kinda.

And I’d venture to say that would probably even beat the “experts” on the Fox pre-game show…who don’t usually fare too well on their picks even without using Vegas odds. That’s right, Bradshaw…I’m calling you out.

So keeping with the trend, I’ll continue the quick picks for the playoffs. Wildcard weekend, here we go:

New Orleans (-10.5) @ Seattle

The Seahawks lost their way into the playoffs, dropping 3 of their last 4 before taking out St. Louis in the final week. Seattle hasn’t seen a loser like this since Shawn Kemp was in a Sonics uniform.

My pick: New Orleans to cover the spread, and then some

New York Jets @ Indianapolis (-2.5)

I’ve been brainwashed to think you can’t pick against Peyton Manning on home turf, so I’ll just go with that. Plus, I’m just tired of the season-long hype over the Jets.

My pick: Colts

Baltimore (-3) @ Kansas City

Nobody beats Charlie Weis after a home-cooked meal. Nuff said.

My pick: Chiefs in a close one

Green Bay @ Philadelphia (-2.5)

I hope I’m wrong about this one, but I think the Eagles are in trouble here. Just like last year, Philly had a chance to wrap up a first-round bye…but couldn’t get it done. The Eagles have had plenty of problems in the secondary as of late, and it won’t get any easier with Aaron Rodgers coming to town.

My pick: Green Bay wins, Philly fans boo

And that brings me to my final point, the Eagles are who we thought they were (cue Dennis Green rant).

The perception around the league is that Michael Vick has single-handedly revamped the Eagles, and the controversial move to ship McNabb out of town was sheer Andy Reid genius. Granted, Vick has rejuvenated his career (and life) with an incredible season…while Donovan pretty much stunk up with the Skins. Point taken.

But the reality is that the Eagles were 11-5 last year with McNabb, and 10-6 this year with Vick. As they say, one player doesn’t make a team…especially in football.

Not that stats tell the whole story, but here is something worth noting:

Donovan McNabb (2009-10): 14 games, 3553 passing yards, 22 TD’s, QB rating of 92.9

Mike Vick (2010-11): 12 games, 3018 passing yards, 21 TD’s, QB rating of 100.2

Obviously that doesn’t factor in Vick’s running ability, but the end results are strikingly similar. Surround a capable quarterback with top-tier talent, and you get positive results. Send a capable quarterback to Washington, and you get a Mike Shanahan shit-sandwich.

There is no question that Mike Vick has been a great fit in Philly, though as an Eagles’ fan and Vickweed critic…that’s tough for me to admit. All year long I’ve watched quietly as Vick took over the team…happy to watch them win, but unable to root for him 100%. He’s improved as a passer, a player, and a person. Good for him, but that still doesn’t make him my hero.

And as dangerous as the Eagles are, they are still somewhat flawed. They can strike quick on offense, but struggle to sustain long drives and control the clock. Their defense is even more problematic, with an underwhelming group of linebackers and an underachieving secondary. And all things considered, that leaves them in the roughly the same place they were a year ago.

But then again, I’ve been wrong before. Quite often, actually. We’ll see how wildcard weekend goes…

Only in the Southwest - Nipple Ripper Edition

Yeye cat fight!

As a disclaimer, this isn’t exactly the sexy Hollywood kind of cat fight I’m talking about. Instead of bikini-clad college co-eds going at it in a pool of peanut butter…this story is more like tube-top in a truck-stop hard core reality. Be warned…

And here it is, a headline simply too intriguing to ignore:


Woman rips off daughter-in-law’s nipple in drunken brawl

I know there is a lot of family-induced stress around the holidays, but what the fuck?

“When the victim began arguing with her 44-year-old mother-in-law, the older woman allegedly "grabbed (the victim's) right breast and began to squeeze and pull on her nipple."”

Did I mention this wasn’t really going to be the sexy-kind of catfight?

“…she felt fluid on her breast and realized there was blood on her shirt. When she untucked her tank top, her nipple fell on the floor, she told police.”

Oh look, there’s my nipple. I was wondering where that went.

Excuse me! How in the hell can you not even realize that your nipple has been ripped off? I guess “alcohol” would be the only acceptable answer there. Nothing like a Natty Light on a cold winter night…

“The victim put the nipple in a bag and, after several hours, decided she should go to the emergency room.”

I guess after several hours, she finally realized that super glue or a staple gun probably wasn’t the way to go. Good thinking. Who says excessive drinking impairs judgment?

So we’ll see how the police investigation turns out, though I can’t imagine a lot of officers are volunteering for that assignment. Hope the sketch-artist doesn’t have a sensitive stomach.

Zip that sweater up tight, the Nip Ripper may be out there tonight.

Shootin' the Bull

And here it is, your “America First” political quote of the week. Brought to you by Teapublican Senator Mitch McConnell:

“The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.”

Interesting. I wonder what the rest of that priority list looks like. Do you think “fixing the economy” was in there somewhere? Or since that would actually help Obama’s chances for reelection, I guess it probably didn’t make the cut.

On the other hand, it is refreshing to hear a politician be honest for once.

The runner-up quote of the week comes to you from President Barack Obama himself:

“I couldn’t get the kind of cooperation from Republicans that I had hoped for…”

Wow, imagine that!

Who else is pumped for progress?

Sunday Shots - NFL Housecleaning

The halfway point of the NFL season is almost here, and I still have yet to scribble about anything football. So many stories, where to begin? Ben Ruthlessberger back to business with the Steelers. Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco bring The T.Ocho Show to dozens of living rooms across the country. The Chiefs are in first, and the Cowboys are in last. And the world anxiously waits while league officials attempt to track down Brett Favre’s penis pics. I know…riveting stuff.


That’s way too much craziness for me to cover, so I’ll simply start off with a little housecleaning. Out of the recliner, and on to the soapbox! Here are a few people I’d like to send to the unemployment line:

You’re Fired!

Mike Singletary - Head Coach, San Francisco 49ers

3 strikes, he’s out. A short temper and streaks of insanity may have served Singletary well during his playing career, but hasn’t exactly helped in his short stint as a head coach. You might say his engine runs a little hot to be the leader of a professional football team. The same guy that infamously pulled down his pants to make a point during a halftime speech is struggling mightily to make his mark in a depleted NFC West. Inefficiency, inconsistency, and a special kind of crazy all make Singletary a top candidate for termination.

Norv Turner – Head Coach, San Diego Chargers

With Phillip Rivers as the starting QB on my fantasy team, I’ve got no complaints about his hot-potato passing while the Chargers play perpetual catch-up. But with a 2-5 record, all that pre-season Super Bowl talk seems quite misguided. Usually the Chargers wait until the playoffs to disappoint, but this year Christmas might be coming early. But stick with the game plan, Norv…screen passes look great on the stat sheet.

Whoever Jerry Jones decides to blame for the Cowboys’ struggles

Great talent on both sides of the ball, experienced coaches, solid depth. I’m not even sure who to blame here. All I know is that nothing seems to be working in Dallas these days, including that god-awful baker boy cap Tony Romo insists on wearing all the time.

Pete Carroll – Head Coach, USC Trojans Seattle Seahawks

Slippery Pete probably laughs himself to sleep every night thinking about the mess he left for Lane Kiffin back at USC. The Seahawks are sitting pretty so far, but the luck has to run out sometime.

Jay “Captain” Cutler, Quarterback – Chicago Bears

4 interceptions in one game, all to the same defender (DeAngelo Hall)? 26 picks last year? When fans start to miss Kyle Orton, you know it’s time to go.

Like Brett Favre’s reputation, I am done…

Only in the Southwest – Special Peg Leg Samurai Edition

Ah, the splendor of the Southwest in summertime…

Today, we have 2 more stories to add to the ‘could only happen here’ crazy bucket:

First up is a tale of a drinking game gone wrong…and my official nomination for Best Headline of the Year…

Naked man hospitalized after drinking game leads to prosthetic leg being set aflame

You would think a headline like that needs no further explanation, but trust me…the story gets even better.

“The victim told investigators that since he drank only six beers, the least amount, he agreed to let his friends set him on fire.”

Quite possibly the lamest (slight pun intended) drinking game ever. If only a couple of paddles had been readily available for a simple game of beer pong, perhaps this entire tragedy could have been avoided.

“Not being able to stand the pain, the victim disrobed. His friends then decided to take him to the hospital but became "nervous and dropped the victim off" on U.S. 70…”

His “friends”? Really? If you’re willing to drop off a naked one-legged burn victim on the side of the road instead of the hospital, I’m not sure that the title of “friend” is entirely appropriate. And for the record, highway 70 is nowhere near either area hospital. A rough night made even worse for the hop-along hitchhiker.

“When questioned by deputies if he had asked his friends to stop at any point in time while setting him on fire, he stated "no, he lost the bet" and therefore did not attempt to stop them.”

All things considered, you gotta hand it to the guy for respecting the code and honor of “the bet”. You beat me fair and square, the lighter fluid and matches are under the sink.

Hopping along to a slightly more serious matter…

Next, we have a real-life reenactment of The Last Samurai:

Sword-wielding man shot, killed by Las Cruces police officer

“Officers responded just before 8:30 a.m. to a report that an agitated, shirtless man was waving a samurai sword in a hostile manner…”

There probably aren’t too many happy-ending stories that begin with a shirtless swordsman running around at 8 o’clock in the morning. I am curious though, how did they determine that he was waving the sword around in a hostile manner? Is it even possible to wave around a samurai sword in a non-hostile manner? Maybe he was just a dedicated landscaper trying to beat the summer heat and get a head start on his tree-pruning.



“One witness said she saw the man raise the 4-foot sword at the officer, who fired three shots at the man. The officer then kicked the sword out of the man's reach.”

I suppose this was the safe play just in case the guy turned out to be a Terminator.

“…the incident will undergo a multi-agency investigation and both the officer who fired the shots - a seven-year veteran of the department - and the other responding officer will be placed on standard administrative leave pending the outcome of that investigation.”

We may need a little help bringing in a few more investigators. Because they could be busy with a few other police cases first. Like the officer that tasered an unarmed teenage girl at a basketball tourney. Or another officer that shot a 17-year old shoplifter five times…after the victim fled and attempted to drive off in a police cruiser. Or yet another officer that shot a guy in the chest, who was armed with only an 8-inch butcher knife and a baseball bat.

It’s certainly been a busy year for the Las Cruces police squad. One can only hope that all these investigations don’t interrupt their “Tasers are for Teens” training program.

Business As Usual in Philly

After what seems like a decade of speculation, the deal to get Donovan McNabb out of Philadelphia is finally done. And of course, to the one place that nobody predicted or expected.

The Eagles officially moved into the Kevin Kolb era, by trading the former face of the franchise to the Washington Redskins. The move itself was expected, but not the destination. Most NFL teams abide by the unwritten rule that prohibits sending key players to division rivals. Although it’s been clear for years that the Eagles’ front office operates under their own set of rules.

As an Eagles’ fan, it’s just one more move that leaves me shaking my head. It’s the same kind of counterproductive head-scratcher we’ve seen from Andy Reid and the front office year after year. And at least for this fan, it’s quite possibly the last straw.

Early in his career, the Eagles failed to surround McNabb with playmakers. And when they finally did bring in a weapon, it came in the form of Terrell Owens…who did his best to tear the team apart after just one year of success.

During that time, they also failed to do much for Brian Westbrook…giving him a lion’s share of the workload, often on a bad knee. In 2007, he managed 368 total touches in 15 games. Then after a season derailed by concussion issues, he was cut like a piece of construction paper in a kindergarten class. Only in the NFL can you sustain a serious injury due to working extra hard for your employer, and then get fired for it.

Unbalanced play-calling. Unbalanced personnel. Terrell Owens. Bye Brian Dawkins. Bye Brian Westbrook. Hello Michael Vick. The list goes on…and on…and on.

I know, I know…it’s just business. Fair enough. I guess that makes me just a consumer in this little relationship. No, not the kind of consumer that buys $100 game tickets and $8 beers. But I am the kind of consumer stupid enough to buy $80 jerseys which are worn only about 4 times a year, and receives useless Eagles’ crap from family and friends for Christmas.

The customer is always right. Unless, of course, that customer is an idiot Eagles’ fan. So eager to rid of a hall of fame quarterback, only to make way for an unproven player who they’ll hate tomorrow anyway.

At least for this little consumer, there is still a choice. Maybe I’ll ask friends and family to buy me something for Christmas that doesn’t have an Eagles logo on it. Maybe I’ll go buy a Raiders or Rams jersey just for the hell of it. Maybe I’ll buy enough Tony Romo bobbleheads to fund a golden shitter for Jerry Jones.

But no way, no how…will I continue to support the Philadelphia Eagles franchise in any way, shape, or form. I despise the way the organization operates. I detest a hardcore fan base that once pelted two fans with a barrage of snow balls just for wearing 49ers jerseys to an Eagles’ game. I loathe the fact that Donovan McNabb never got the respect he deserved, while someone like Michael Vick got so much more than he deserved. I hope McNabb and the Redskins knock Philly into the bottom of the NFC East cellar for good.

As an Eagles’ fan, I think I’m pretty much done. But don’t worry Andy Reid, Jeffrey Lurie, Howie Roseman, and the rest of the Eagles’ organization…it’s nothing personal. It’s just business.

Only in the Southwest - Emu Edition

Here’s one of those ‘it could only happen here’ news stories too good to pass up:

Errant Emu Attacks El Paso Deputies

The headline alone makes this 5-star material. But like most locally-covered emu attack adventures, it only gets better:

“Deputies responded at 6:45 a.m. to a report of an ostrich in the roadway in the area of I-10 and Horizon, only to find that the wayward bird was actually an emu.”

When you’re trying to get Big Bird off the highway, does it really matter if it’s an ostrich or an emu?

“Passersby stopped to help the deputies contain and calm the bird, which slashed one deputy's pant leg with its sharp limb.”

Oh noes…this bird ripped my pants!

“The deputy was not seriously injured. The emu died as it was being transported to the animal shelter. The cause of death was not immediately known.”

And that’s where the story takes a rapid turn for the worse, with no warning or explanation. I guess the lesson here is…in the battle between man and beast, bet on the guy with the gun and billy club.

“On Friday, deputies were called to the area of Montana Avenue, where another emu was loose on the roadway, according to the release…The two emu incidents do not appear to be related...”

Two interstate-emu incidents in one week? Run for your lives! And what exactly do they mean the two incidents "do not appear to be related"? Did they conduct a thorough emu conspiracy investigation? Was Farmer Fred brought in for questioning? Did the Sheep Syndicate strong-arm the law to keep their feathered friends out of trouble?

The emu that fought back died, and the one that didn’t fight lived. That’s all I’m sayin’.

30-year-old Running Backs Added to Endangered Species List

LaDainian Tomlinson and Brian Westbrook were both released by their respective teams this past week, apparently on account of the new running back expiration date implemented by NFL owners. In an industry where a contract isn’t really a contract, it’s just business as usual…which is bad news for 30 year-old running backs.

Neither move is really that surprising, as both Tomlinson and Westbrook have declined steadily in the past couple of years. And that’s the harsh reality in the life of an NFL running back. This past season, LT saw his yards per carry drop to an all-time low. While Westbrook still showed some signs of life, he spent more time on the sidelines than on the field due to a series of injuries…appearing in a career-low 8 regular season games.

This mysterious ailment, commonly known as Shaun Alexander Syndrome (SAS), continues to affect more and more running backs every year. Research indicates that most victims of SAS also suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, which makes for some god-awful studio analysis (see Emmitt Smith and Tiki Barber) and limited career choices.

Fortunately, there is something you can do to help. Donations to fight SAS are now being accepted by Bam Morris Charities. For more information, please email: grams4bam@gfail.com

Eagles to Face Pats in Biggest Loser Consolation Bracket

This decade is only days old, and a new era has already begun in the NFL. No more Steelers, no more Patriots. Of the handful of franchises that defined the last ten years of football, only the Colts remain alive in their quest for this year’s Lombardi trophy.

Wildcard weekend had its share of shitbombs, but none more disappointing than the collective effort of the Eagles and Patriots…two teams of yesteryear that certainly held higher expectations than this.

All you need to know about the Patriots performance is that the Ravens put the scoreboard smack on them despite a QB rating of 10 by their starter. That’s right, Joe Flacco only needed 34 yards of passing for his team to blast Belichick’s bunch. Somewhere tonight, Trent Dilfer sheds tears of joy.

If Elmer Fudd had been calling the game, he would have needed but 6 words – “Way Wice wuns wampant with Wavens”. Say that five times fast.

Then there are the Eagles. The Dallas Cowboys needed all of 2 offensive play calls to give the dirty birds the beatdown of their lives. All night long it was either the quick draw WR screen or the HB delay that broke down an uninspired Eagles defense. It was like watching a retro-game of Tecmo Bowl on Nintendo. The Eagles countered by using 2 play calls of their own – the incomplete deep pass, and the incomplete moderately deep pass. The two best plays for the Eagles came on a Michael Vick trick play and, I shit you not, a McNabb interception. Guess who won that game?

What this means for the Patriots is that a lot of people not named Bill Belichick are likely to be canned, or sentenced to death by firing squad.

And for the Iggles, it will be pretty much the same ole’ story. Writers, bloggers, and fans saying that McNabb has played his last game in Philly…for about the 6th or 7th year in a row.

Fortunately, all will be forgotten in a few days when the media resumes an all new season of Favre-fest…which is scheduled to run at least until mid-August.

Stupid Eagles…

And the award goes to...Mr. Michael Vick

Because when you think of courage and honor, you think of Michael Vick.

Just before Christmas, it was announced that Michael Vick would be honored as a recipient of the Ed Block Courage Award…an annual accolade given to one representative from each team in the NFL. The award is voted on by peers for the player that best exemplifies the “principles of sportsmanship and courage”. The gobbledygook about this award goes on to say that each recipient “symbolizes professionalism, great strength and dedication”…and also serves as a “community role model”.

Yeah, that sounds like Michael Vick alright.

As expected, Vick’s honor has been met with protest. There is even a petition underway to stop the foundation from giving him the award.

But if the petition doesn’t work, Vickweed’s courageous name will be immortalized alongside other former Philly recipients like Jerome “Temper Tantrum” McDougle and Duce “Show me the Money” Staley.

Of course, Philadelphia isn’t the only team to feature some odd selections for the courage award. In 1992, the Oilers handed out the hardware to Warren “smack a bitch to the” Moon. Daunte “Loveboat Captain” Culpepper was voted in by the Vikes in 2001. In 2007, the award went to Ben Ruthlessberger Roethlisberger of the Steelers…perhaps for his “community outreach” work in Tahoe. And then there’s my personal favorite, Travis “promise to pull out” Henry for the Bills in 2004.

I’m usually not one to support random public protest, but I find it hard to believe that Michael Vick is deserving of such an award. It’s unlikely that Vickweed is the best community role model on the Eagles’ roster…or even the Raiders’ roster for that matter. Not to keep bashing the guy, but there is absolutely nothing about his story that spells courage. I guess unless you count the courage it takes to use a community shower in lock-up without soap-on-a-rope.

And you thought this year’s Nobel Peace Prize was a joke…

Still sick of Vick!

Crusade Against Christmas?

To: Anyone who still believes there is a “War on Christmas”

My Friend,

I haven’t heard from you in a long time, sorry I’m so bad at keeping in touch. Seem to be pretty busy these days, and not a whole lot of exciting news. Although a few weeks ago, we did have a break-in attempt during the middle of the night. I gave the burglar a world-class beat down with a 6-iron. As it turns out, it was just Uncle Milt getting up for a midnight pecan pie run. In my half-asleep state I forgot he was staying over for Thanksgiving. That’s OK, he probably deserved it anyway. Though it is quite a shame he can’t afford health insurance.

But I digress. The real reason I’m writing you is because I heard through the grapevine that you were ranting about the supposed war on Christmas again. Still got that Happy Holidays chip on your shoulder, eh? I’m sorry you still feel that way after all these years, but we’ve been through this before. Please just take a step back and think about what you’re saying for a minute.

Nobody is telling you that you can’t celebrate Christmas. More importantly, nobody is even saying that you shouldn’t celebrate Christmas…in any manner that you choose. By all mean…deck the halls, light your walls, and hang your Christmas tree balls. Put an inflatable infant Jesus in your lawn if you want. It is your right to celebrate Christmas, or any other religious holiday for that matter.

Living in a free country means you have the right to choose such things. In the First Amendment of our Constitution, freedom of religion is right up there with other basic liberties like free speech and freedom of the press. Don’t expect others to respect your constitutionally-protected right to celebrate Christmas, if you aren’t willing to respect their right not to.

Imagine your boy at school, and as he walks into the classroom the teacher greets him by shouting “Happy Ramadan”. They even have a little party to celebrate this religious observance, although without the snacks and goodies as they learn about the ritual of fasting. The teacher then reads a quick excerpt from the Qur’an as the party concludes, and class resumes.

It probably makes you mad just to imagine that scenario, though that is not my intent. Freedom of religion comes down to an individual choice, a right. Christmas isn’t any more of a school holiday than Ramadan is. It’s a religious holiday to be celebrated out of choice, not obligation.

Don’t you see? That’s what true freedom is! Not just choosing your own beliefs, but respecting the rights of others to do the very same.

It’s a fact that not everyone in this country is a Christian, and not everybody celebrates Christmas. Acknowledging that simple fact isn’t an attack on Christmas, it’s merely a sign of respect. Who cares if they call it Christmas break, winter holiday, or Festivus Restivus? You are given that time to celebrate as you choose. If simply hearing a phrase like “Happy Holidays” takes away from your enjoyment of Christmas, then maybe you should reconsider your perspective on freedom.

The best gift you can give during this season of giving…is that of respect. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Hmm, where have I heard that phrase before?

I hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas, and I hope you find peace and understanding to keep and carry in your life. Take care, and keep in touch.

Respectfully,


- B

p.s. Just wanted you to know I finally watched that Jeff Dunham comedian you are always raving about. Stereotypes on a stick…hilarious! Who knew that racially-biased puppets could be so funny?

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the exercise thereof…”