Only in the Southwest – Special Peg Leg Samurai Edition

Ah, the splendor of the Southwest in summertime…

Today, we have 2 more stories to add to the ‘could only happen here’ crazy bucket:

First up is a tale of a drinking game gone wrong…and my official nomination for Best Headline of the Year…

Naked man hospitalized after drinking game leads to prosthetic leg being set aflame

You would think a headline like that needs no further explanation, but trust me…the story gets even better.

“The victim told investigators that since he drank only six beers, the least amount, he agreed to let his friends set him on fire.”

Quite possibly the lamest (slight pun intended) drinking game ever. If only a couple of paddles had been readily available for a simple game of beer pong, perhaps this entire tragedy could have been avoided.

“Not being able to stand the pain, the victim disrobed. His friends then decided to take him to the hospital but became "nervous and dropped the victim off" on U.S. 70…”

His “friends”? Really? If you’re willing to drop off a naked one-legged burn victim on the side of the road instead of the hospital, I’m not sure that the title of “friend” is entirely appropriate. And for the record, highway 70 is nowhere near either area hospital. A rough night made even worse for the hop-along hitchhiker.

“When questioned by deputies if he had asked his friends to stop at any point in time while setting him on fire, he stated "no, he lost the bet" and therefore did not attempt to stop them.”

All things considered, you gotta hand it to the guy for respecting the code and honor of “the bet”. You beat me fair and square, the lighter fluid and matches are under the sink.

Hopping along to a slightly more serious matter…

Next, we have a real-life reenactment of The Last Samurai:

Sword-wielding man shot, killed by Las Cruces police officer

“Officers responded just before 8:30 a.m. to a report that an agitated, shirtless man was waving a samurai sword in a hostile manner…”

There probably aren’t too many happy-ending stories that begin with a shirtless swordsman running around at 8 o’clock in the morning. I am curious though, how did they determine that he was waving the sword around in a hostile manner? Is it even possible to wave around a samurai sword in a non-hostile manner? Maybe he was just a dedicated landscaper trying to beat the summer heat and get a head start on his tree-pruning.



“One witness said she saw the man raise the 4-foot sword at the officer, who fired three shots at the man. The officer then kicked the sword out of the man's reach.”

I suppose this was the safe play just in case the guy turned out to be a Terminator.

“…the incident will undergo a multi-agency investigation and both the officer who fired the shots - a seven-year veteran of the department - and the other responding officer will be placed on standard administrative leave pending the outcome of that investigation.”

We may need a little help bringing in a few more investigators. Because they could be busy with a few other police cases first. Like the officer that tasered an unarmed teenage girl at a basketball tourney. Or another officer that shot a 17-year old shoplifter five times…after the victim fled and attempted to drive off in a police cruiser. Or yet another officer that shot a guy in the chest, who was armed with only an 8-inch butcher knife and a baseball bat.

It’s certainly been a busy year for the Las Cruces police squad. One can only hope that all these investigations don’t interrupt their “Tasers are for Teens” training program.

Business As Usual in Philly

After what seems like a decade of speculation, the deal to get Donovan McNabb out of Philadelphia is finally done. And of course, to the one place that nobody predicted or expected.

The Eagles officially moved into the Kevin Kolb era, by trading the former face of the franchise to the Washington Redskins. The move itself was expected, but not the destination. Most NFL teams abide by the unwritten rule that prohibits sending key players to division rivals. Although it’s been clear for years that the Eagles’ front office operates under their own set of rules.

As an Eagles’ fan, it’s just one more move that leaves me shaking my head. It’s the same kind of counterproductive head-scratcher we’ve seen from Andy Reid and the front office year after year. And at least for this fan, it’s quite possibly the last straw.

Early in his career, the Eagles failed to surround McNabb with playmakers. And when they finally did bring in a weapon, it came in the form of Terrell Owens…who did his best to tear the team apart after just one year of success.

During that time, they also failed to do much for Brian Westbrook…giving him a lion’s share of the workload, often on a bad knee. In 2007, he managed 368 total touches in 15 games. Then after a season derailed by concussion issues, he was cut like a piece of construction paper in a kindergarten class. Only in the NFL can you sustain a serious injury due to working extra hard for your employer, and then get fired for it.

Unbalanced play-calling. Unbalanced personnel. Terrell Owens. Bye Brian Dawkins. Bye Brian Westbrook. Hello Michael Vick. The list goes on…and on…and on.

I know, I know…it’s just business. Fair enough. I guess that makes me just a consumer in this little relationship. No, not the kind of consumer that buys $100 game tickets and $8 beers. But I am the kind of consumer stupid enough to buy $80 jerseys which are worn only about 4 times a year, and receives useless Eagles’ crap from family and friends for Christmas.

The customer is always right. Unless, of course, that customer is an idiot Eagles’ fan. So eager to rid of a hall of fame quarterback, only to make way for an unproven player who they’ll hate tomorrow anyway.

At least for this little consumer, there is still a choice. Maybe I’ll ask friends and family to buy me something for Christmas that doesn’t have an Eagles logo on it. Maybe I’ll go buy a Raiders or Rams jersey just for the hell of it. Maybe I’ll buy enough Tony Romo bobbleheads to fund a golden shitter for Jerry Jones.

But no way, no how…will I continue to support the Philadelphia Eagles franchise in any way, shape, or form. I despise the way the organization operates. I detest a hardcore fan base that once pelted two fans with a barrage of snow balls just for wearing 49ers jerseys to an Eagles’ game. I loathe the fact that Donovan McNabb never got the respect he deserved, while someone like Michael Vick got so much more than he deserved. I hope McNabb and the Redskins knock Philly into the bottom of the NFC East cellar for good.

As an Eagles’ fan, I think I’m pretty much done. But don’t worry Andy Reid, Jeffrey Lurie, Howie Roseman, and the rest of the Eagles’ organization…it’s nothing personal. It’s just business.

Only in the Southwest - Emu Edition

Here’s one of those ‘it could only happen here’ news stories too good to pass up:

Errant Emu Attacks El Paso Deputies

The headline alone makes this 5-star material. But like most locally-covered emu attack adventures, it only gets better:

“Deputies responded at 6:45 a.m. to a report of an ostrich in the roadway in the area of I-10 and Horizon, only to find that the wayward bird was actually an emu.”

When you’re trying to get Big Bird off the highway, does it really matter if it’s an ostrich or an emu?

“Passersby stopped to help the deputies contain and calm the bird, which slashed one deputy's pant leg with its sharp limb.”

Oh noes…this bird ripped my pants!

“The deputy was not seriously injured. The emu died as it was being transported to the animal shelter. The cause of death was not immediately known.”

And that’s where the story takes a rapid turn for the worse, with no warning or explanation. I guess the lesson here is…in the battle between man and beast, bet on the guy with the gun and billy club.

“On Friday, deputies were called to the area of Montana Avenue, where another emu was loose on the roadway, according to the release…The two emu incidents do not appear to be related...”

Two interstate-emu incidents in one week? Run for your lives! And what exactly do they mean the two incidents "do not appear to be related"? Did they conduct a thorough emu conspiracy investigation? Was Farmer Fred brought in for questioning? Did the Sheep Syndicate strong-arm the law to keep their feathered friends out of trouble?

The emu that fought back died, and the one that didn’t fight lived. That’s all I’m sayin’.

30-year-old Running Backs Added to Endangered Species List

LaDainian Tomlinson and Brian Westbrook were both released by their respective teams this past week, apparently on account of the new running back expiration date implemented by NFL owners. In an industry where a contract isn’t really a contract, it’s just business as usual…which is bad news for 30 year-old running backs.

Neither move is really that surprising, as both Tomlinson and Westbrook have declined steadily in the past couple of years. And that’s the harsh reality in the life of an NFL running back. This past season, LT saw his yards per carry drop to an all-time low. While Westbrook still showed some signs of life, he spent more time on the sidelines than on the field due to a series of injuries…appearing in a career-low 8 regular season games.

This mysterious ailment, commonly known as Shaun Alexander Syndrome (SAS), continues to affect more and more running backs every year. Research indicates that most victims of SAS also suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, which makes for some god-awful studio analysis (see Emmitt Smith and Tiki Barber) and limited career choices.

Fortunately, there is something you can do to help. Donations to fight SAS are now being accepted by Bam Morris Charities. For more information, please email: grams4bam@gfail.com