Not So Scary Stuff

What better way to shake the blogging blues than a ranting review of yet another crappy movie.  Now that I have officially ended my troubled relationship with Netflix, this weekend I ventured to the realm of unnecessary sequels to watch Paranormal Activity 3.

Reviews claimed that this was the best of the Paranormal Activity series, which is backed by some impressive box office numbers over the weekend.  Or it could be due to the fact that there is absolute shit else out there to watch, and Paranormal 3 wins the box office battle by default.

Best of the series?  Methinks not.  Same worked-over formula, same unrealistic premise, but this time even shittier acting. 

I could rant all day on this one, but I’ll keep my complaints to a few focused points.  I suppose a spoiler alert is in order, although if you haven’t watched it yet…I wouldn’t bother:

-          Some scenes from the previews didn’t even appear in the movie.  Among the most notable were the two girls saying “Bloody Mary” in front of the bathroom mirror.  There were a couple of other scenes missing as well, not too sure why.  The term false advertising comes to mind.

-        Did I mention the shitty acting?  Case in point, one of the early scenes featured the mother agreeing to make a sex tape after blazing up some weed.  I called bullshit on that one, no way they let that go far enough for her to get naked.  But in starting this scene, they approach each other on the bed while both were still standing on their knees.  Not only were they clearly uncomfortable with each other, but it looked they weren’t even comfortable with the surroundings of what was supposed to be their bedroom.  I’ve seen better chemistry between Alien vs. Predator.

-        Since this was a prequel set in 1988, the main character used VHS as his means of filming the house.  In the movie, he explains that the tapes have to be changed out every six hours…but somehow the video was still able to record throughout the entire night.  He also mentioned that since he used 2 cameras, every day he was responsible for looking through 12 hours of video tape.  Silly me, expecting a little realism in a documentary-style film.

-        Apparently, ghosts can be both short and tall at the same time.  The house was haunted by a ghost named Toby, described as a tall older man…that oddly enough lived in the upstairs crawl space.  Later in the film, the ghost is seen walking around wearing a sheet…but is only about 3 feet tall.  Midgets might have been frightening in Willy Wonka, but not so much here.

-        Seriously, who worries about carrying a camera when they fear for their life?  I understand that it wouldn’t be much of a movie with the camera pointed at the wall…but still.

I’ll do you a favor and save you a few bucks on a movie ticket.  Never play bloody Mary, kids that talk to imaginary friends are creepy, and nobody should ever live in a two-story house under any circumstances.  And if grandma worships the devil and hosts cult meetings at her place, you may not want to take the kids for a sleepover.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you…  

Click Sick

Earlier this year, I read an article that made me realize I had developed a serious case of click-sickness.  I would reactively click on headlines and irrelevant topics that served no purpose.  Somehow, I had become addicted to blogs and articles that focused on canned controversy and extremism…rather than material relevant to our society.  Anger-inducing political rhetoric, celebrity train wrecks…media madness is always just one click away.

The article I read was focused on the media’s unhealthy obsession with Sarah Palin.  Whether you like her or not, it’s difficult to dispute that the never-ending coverage of all things Palin is quite undeserved.  As the author suggested, I took the Palin pledge.  For the entire month of February, I vowed not to click, post, or comment on anything about Sarah Palin.

As it turns out, it was much easier than I thought.  I made it through the month without all the nonsense, and my brain was better for it.

And just when the Palin-craze seemed to be calming down, along came Donald Trump.  Here we go again…

I resisted the urge to blog about Trump, even though the relentless coverage of his fake campaign was infuriating.  For goodness sake, the guy tried to use his own Comedy Central roast as a launching board for his so-called campaign!  Not only did he make a mockery of political discussion, but he insulted the very sanctity of the celebrity roast.  Disgraceful…

Shame on the media, and shame on those of us who buy into it.  With that, here is a list of a few irrelevant people that I simply don’t need to hear about anymore.  Call it my own personal cure for click-sickness:

Sarah Palin – 15 minutes of fame that has lasted over 2 years…and still counting.

Donald Trump – How can someone who has his name on a line of mattresses ever be president?

Lindsay Lohan – Having a recurring role on Court TV doesn’t make you an actress.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – Spent the last decade researching a role for an upcoming disaster movie titled “My Life”.

David Arquette & Courtney Cox – Not even the pain of a troubled marriage can compare to the agony of watching Scream 4.  Screw both of you...

Kim Kardashian – Future recipient of the Paris Hilton Lifetime Underachievement Award.

Tiger Woods – Way too much going on in the world of golf to focus on a guy who hasn’t won since 2009.

But because I’ve gotta keep a little crazy, I reserve the right to click on the following:  celebrity mug shots, NFL police blotter, Michelle Bachmann, and Charlie Sheen.

p.s.  - I am aware that blogging about the very topics I'm criticizing it is quite contradictory.  But this way, I can get all of it over with in one post...and move on to more important things.  Like reviewing crappy movies and making fun of stupid criminals.

What the Flix?

I’ve been in a committed relationship with Netflix for the better part of a year.  At first, it was all so new and wonderful…but now the honeymoon is over.  I’m more than willing to take the good with the bad, but it’s clear there are some issues to be worked out.

“It’s been almost a year, and sometimes I feel like you don’t even know me.”

Case in point…I tell my precious Netflix how much I enjoyed watching cult classics such as Anchorman, Rounders, and The Big Lebowski.  And then she suggests we watch some shitty stand-up act.  What gives?

To be fair, I know very little of Bill Burr.  But I know enough to realize he shouldn’t be in the same sentence as The Big Lebowski.  Not to mention, he looks like a douchebag version of Ron Howard.

“Because I enjoyed Rounders”?  Are you kidding me?  I have no clue what I did wrong with my ratings, but most of my Netflix recommendations are filled with second-rate stand-up specials and spoof comedies.  It should be enough that Larry the Cable Guy has taken over the History Channel, but now I have to deal with this shit, too.

“But all my family and friends live here, I don’t want to move anywhere else.”

Apparently, all your friends and family are morons.  Look at these local favorites for Las Cruces.  Not one, but two Jesse Stone movies?  This is wrong on so many levels.

First of all, what the hell is Tom Selleck doing?  He goes from Magnum P.I. to a poor man’s Walker, Texas Ranger.  Shameful…

But more importantly, this is the best that the Las Cruces community can find to watch?  Keep in mind, this isn’t some pass the time instant watch movie series…this is the serious DVD through the mail stuff.  It’s frightening to think I live in an area where multiple households are anxiously awaiting the next installment of the Jesse Stone saga to arrive.

As if that’s not bad enough, the local list on instant watch has the very unfunny Carlos Mencia, a heavy dose of crappy reality shows, and Ralph Macchio.  And you thought your neighbors were annoying…

What's Wrong With This Picture?

The picture below was sent to me via email forward, which is obviously the most trusted place to find intelligent, fact-filled political sentiment. Duh!

But this forward is a little different, and caught my attention. From what I can tell, it is a photo of a real billboard taken in an area not far from where I grew up. Coincidentally, right smack dab in the middle of where the movie Swing Vote was set. I’m not sure if the billboard is still up today, but I’m guessing the picture was taken sometime last year before the November mid-term elections.

Before I get started, let me just say that the criticism of Obama isn’t at all what bothers me…because there is an intelligent discussion to be had there. My point is that as long as people continue to base their political opinions on mindless rhetoric instead of fact…an intelligent public discussion will never be possible. And that’s what bothers me about a message like this.

I found the billboard fascinating because it is hysterically wrong on so many levels. So tell me, what’s wrong with this picture?

(Image description: Billboard featuring the famous Obama campaign poster, modified with the word “NOPE” underneath. The billboard reads – So now we know…”change” = more debt, more taxes, more welfare, more regulation, more government, more wasteful spending, more corruption.)

Let’s start with the obvious. It’s an anti-government/anti-Democratic message straight from the heart of rural America. A small town economy that relies on government subsidies for farms, dairies, and the railroad. A community that a few years ago fought against the closure of its local Air Force Base, which now serves as a Special Operations Wing. Public schools, and a community college supported by local, state, and federal funds. This area doesn’t just need government, it absolutely depends on it. Somehow, I don’t think the overarching conservative call for smaller government fits here.

“Change = More Taxes” – Excuse me, but didn’t Obama just extend the bullshit Bush era tax cuts as part of a Republican reach-around compromise? This is political fact-fucking at its finest.

“More Debt” – It’s hypocritical to claim anger over the rising national debt, but at the same time support tax cuts for everyone. Even using redneck ‘rithmetic, less tax revenue does not equal less debt.

“More Welfare” – Just more narrow-minded rhetoric based on the notion that all welfare programs serve only lazy unemployed system-suckers that don’t deserve to live. If you want to attack welfare, at least give each program its due discussion. It’s tragically ironic that while the wealth gap in America is at an all-time high, some people still think of welfare as a 4-letter word. When Bush extended unemployment benefits (aka – welfare), it was the right thing to do. When Obama did it, it was socialism. Go figure…

“More Regulation” – What specific area of regulation is being opposed here? Regulation of Wall Street? The oil industry and off-shore drilling? The FAA? Gun laws? Cousin-kissing? Sleep with sheep statutes?

Also, the background of the billboard couldn’t be more symbolically perfect. First, you have a bunch of boxcars…representative of how important the government-subsidized railway is to the local community and economy. Then you have a semi-truck & trailer, representing the trucking industry. An industry which, of course, relies on public roads, but is also particularly vital to this community due to the shipping needs of area farms and dairies. In the distance, you have the wide open spaces of the Great Plains…full of farms and ranches that likely wouldn’t be sustainable without government subsidies, tax incentives, etc.

What you can’t see even further in the distance of those Great Plains is a plethora of wind turbines, which not only are supported by government subsidy…but have been lucrative for local land owners and have brought additional jobs to the area. Oh yeah, and they also create a little bit of that renewable energy thing that hippy tree-huggers are always whining about.

Anti-government, my ass!

Forward Thinking

I wish I could say that a misguided message like this is uncommon, but I’ve heard something similar far too often from voices in the community, media, and throughout the country. I know way too many people that vote on slogans, speeches, and rhetoric…while overlooking their own causes and interests. There is most definitely something wrong with this picture.

Sometimes the political battle in this country isn’t Democrats versus Republicans…it’s fact versus fiction.